All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
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All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
No, I don’t think I will.
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.