Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
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Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.