Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
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My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
This is a sub tweet
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
Not😆🤣
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store