Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
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We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
Ah..makes sense now
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
As a married dad of 3 kids, I can tell you that good behavior is not possible when going out for dinner. It’s even worse when you take the kids with you
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.