I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
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the best thing i’ve ever made
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen