Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
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I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow