Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
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*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
Stop being racist to kettles.
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window