I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
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People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT