Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
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True statement👍😏😁
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
What’s so funny?
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.