here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
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Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.