When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
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Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
Air conditioning – not a fan
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation