Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
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One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?
ME: yes
MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?
ME: yes
MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?
ME: yes
MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?
ME: yes
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream