If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
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It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.