Room with a view.
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did… did they arrest the mountain lions
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.