[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
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*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
My dryer is celebrating lint.
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect