Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
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*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
Wise advice
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti