{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
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2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires