Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
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How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
me: mind if I have a look around
guy in port-a-potty: yes
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.