Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
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Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
Respect
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
best review i’ve ever seen
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.