I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
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6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans