me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
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In banana years, I am bread.
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
We decided to have money instead of children.
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
Accidentally punched myself in the face as I was getting dressed this morning, and I have to say, I deserved it.
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out