Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
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The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
They’re on their honeymoon
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?