Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
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just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas