“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
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Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It鈥檚 Friday the 13th?
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
Sorry I didn鈥檛 get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
You think you鈥檙e a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn鈥檛 let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don鈥檛 want children.
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there鈥檚 an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 馃拃
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM