Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
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This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.