saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
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accurate
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
respect
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
They’re called werewolves.
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right