prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
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Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Beware of the “party goblin”…
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.