[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
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Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
A dad and his duck
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
🍞🦆
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it