[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
You Might Also Like
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.