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i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
🤭😂
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal