Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
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Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?