You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
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A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
Lmaoo 😂
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.