Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
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I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
This is I, Robot all over again
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?