Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
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I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
Dudes named Chance never had one.
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
gentlemen, hear me out
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.