Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
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*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma