Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
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Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
Boom, boom, ching!
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one