Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
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I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.