[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
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My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*