A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
You Might Also Like
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
I cannot call her anything else now
But is it really??
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.