No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
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“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
That was easy.
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year