Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
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reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy