The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
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It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
what do you want!!!!!!!!
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.