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Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
me linking you to my twitter
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
Tell me you get it…🤣
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok