My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
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*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*