‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
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British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime