I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
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[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
Passwords are more important than ever.
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
The human personality is made of five key elements
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.