I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
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My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
Well, that didn’t work.
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣