My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
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11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
an airline just for babies.
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
My dog after a walk in the woods.