It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
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My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.