Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
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Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR